fear

fear

/fir/

noun

noun: fear; plural noun: fears

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

I remember when I saw the person who molested me years later after I had become a young adult. I was 25 years old working at a convenience store and he came in to buy some lottery tickets. I immediately froze upon looking at him, I was immediately overtaken by fear. It was like I was that little powerless girl all over again. I couldn’t move or function. I remember my co worker stepped over and began to help him. As he stood looking at me, I felt molested all over again. I felt as though he had no right to look at me or be around me. I couldn’t understand why I felt so afraid. I now know it was that spirit of fear that was invoked upon me 20 years ago. It was tormenting me. I wasn’t saved so I didn’t know what to do to take control over it so I stood there and had an anxiety attack (first one in my life) I couldn’t control my breathing, couldn’t get my thoughts together my emotions were all over the place. It’s crazy how good I remember that day.

I now know that it was because of what had been done to me was never dealt with properly. Of course after it came out what he had done to me he had to stay away from me. To me that was never enough. Why wasn’t more done? I had been hurt, violated, my innocence had been stolen at 5 years old for a whole month. I remember night time being scary for me because I knew once every one went to sleep what was going to happen to me. I remember going in my Moms room every night begging to sleep with her my reason for wanting to was always “I’m Scared”.

I never understood why God could let me be so scared and not protect me. After receiving Salvation I learned 2 Timothy 1:7, God does not give us a Spirit of Fear but one of Power, Love and a Sound Mind. When you’re being raised in a Godless home the enemy has free course to run rampant, there’s no covering. Although several warnings are there but a person who’s not in-tuned with the spirit of God will easily missed them.

I’ll never forget how happy I was when my Aunt came to stay with us, because she now had to sleep in bed with me. I remember her and I walking from visiting one of her friends and it had gotten dark. I told her bad things happen at dark and she looked at me like what are you talking about about. I told her I would tell her a secret but she had to promise me 2 things. 1. She couldn’t tell anyone and 2. Promise not to leave me at night time.

Once I told her she help me to understand that wasn’t a secret that we had to tell my Mom. I knew that was God’s way out because had she never came to stay that weekend with us who knows how long that could have went on it had already been a month. My nakedness had been exposed but my Aunt Covered me and to this day her and I have a Special Relationship. I thank God for her being my way of escape. We don’t always understand why God allows certain things to happen but He does have away of using it to help others if we’re strong and bold enough to allow him.